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How many times have you pledged to give something up at the beginning of the year only to find yourself in a few days/months back with the same old habits?

A common theme for all of us. Why is it when our intentions are so good do we repeatedly fail to keep the promises that we make to our selves?

Try this little thought experiment:

It’s a bit early in the year so I don’t want you to think of Easter Bunnies.

What happened? Of course it’s actually impossible to not think of something. You first have to think of it and then dismiss it from your mind. The very act of not trying to think of something actually brings it in to focus. If we want sustainable personal change then we need to be aware of where we place our focus of attention. So those looking for a better work-life balance for example, might say ‘I would like to spend more time at home with those I love’ rather than ‘I want to spend less time in the office’. The former starts you thinking forward into what that might be like, whereas the latter, ‘less time in the office’ takes your mind back to the office. Which one is most likely to get you moving in the direction that you want to go?

Many people tend to focus on what they don’t want rather than what they want to happen. This is for two simple reasons:

1 – They tend to focus on what they don’t want and consequently keep getting it so that is where their focus remains.

2 – They don’t have a compelling enough alternative to what they already have.

The first step in effective personal change is to work out what you want to have, i.e., what you want to move towards, rather than what you want to move away from.  As soon as you focus on that your unconscious mind starts to focus in a different way. It starts to move you towards the desired future and notice the many ways that you could move steadily towards the new you.

There is a key concept in the field of NLP called Well-Formed Outcomes that can help you do this. It’s not only at the heart of many change strategies but actually comes from the hard reality of what makes some people more successful than others. Think about an outcome you want from the year ahead and ask yourself the following questions:

What do you want? (Stated in the Positive)

If what you want is stated in the negative, e.g. “I want to be less terrified when presenting”, then ask the supplementary question, “What would that be like?” to get to a positive statement. e.g. “I would enjoy presenting confidently.”  So now your goal might become, “I want to be an increasingly confident presenter, able to communicate effectively to my team and clients”. That’s a little more motivating isn’t it?

Can you start and maintain it?

If what you want is for someone else to change, for example, “I want my partner to appreciate me more”, progress depends on the other person.  In this case, to make the want your own, it could be expressed something like: “I want to communicate better with my partner so we have a better understanding of how to appreciate each other”. Remember that the only thing we can really change is ourselves but we can influence others through the changes we make. Make sure your outcome is under your control and make sure it’s actually yours.

How will you know that you have it?

Eddie Izzard in a recent BBC profile recalled after a particular early experience of a public failure that:

“You’ve got to believe you can be a stand-up before you can be a stand-up. You have to believe you can act before you can be an actor. You have to believe you can be an astronaut before you can be an astronaut. You’ve got to believe. You’ve got to imagine yourself in that situation.”

Eddie Izzard is a fine example of someone who overcame many obstacles to become the success he is today by keeping the image and future experience of that future success in his mind. It is what successful people and it is what keeps successful people on track and motivated.

So what will be life be like when you have achieved your goal? What will you be seeing when you’ve got it? What will you be hearing when you’ve got it? What will I hear you saying when you’ve got it? What will you be feeling when you’ve got it?

If you can really see, hear and feel the outcome inside yourself, it starts to become more real.

When, where and with whom do you want it?

You might not want your outcome in every context. For example you might want to be more assertive but not all the time otherwise that might rub some people up the wrong way. Be clear about when and where you want something so you can be sure that you will have your outcome when most appropriate.

Is it worth the cost to you?

When you set your outcome, check that it relates to your sense of your self of the person you want to become.  The closer it relates to your identity and sense of purpose, the more the outcome will attract you and motivate you. It’s not all about time and money. Make sure it fits not just what you are capable of but what you want to become.

What might I lose if I achieve my outcome or what do I get out of my present behaviour that I want to preserve?

One of the major reasons we often do not get what we want is that we fear the loss of what we already have. Where we are now is something that feels comfortable and familiar to us even if it gets in the way of our long-term goals. It is known and understood. Changing things can present uncertainties that we can feel less comfortable with. What do you want to keep whilst still reaching your long-term goal? For more on the reasons why we often get in our own way when trying to make a change see the post: Breaking habits, keeping the benefits.

For more on the concept of Well-Formed Outcomes see the next post: What’s more important, the Goal or How you Get There?

If you find that you have repeated unwanted behaviour or habits that get in the way of your new years resolutions you might find the following post helpful: Breaking habits, keeping the benefits.

And if you’re finding yourself really stuck then you might want to take a look at ‘How people really change‘.

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One area that causes many people enormous stress around Christmas is what presents to buy. You may not think that this has anything to do with NLP but in fact it does. NLP helps you to get greater insight into yourself and those around you; the different ways we have of communicating and the different languages we use. An example of this is that we all have different ways in which we express or like to receive expressions of love and affection. This can be a minefield around Christmas. There are so many people to think about, but once you have worked out your buying habits and their preferences, life becomes easier.

One trap that we often fall into is we buy people what we would secretly like ourselves or think that they ‘should’ have or want. Be honest with yourself, do your presents say more about you than they do the person that you are giving them to? What kind of presents do you buy? Do you buy jewellery or clothes because deep down you like spending time in these sorts of shops? Do you tend to buy gadgets or books, the above could be true of many present buying themes. Worse still is the ‘improvement’ gift. This is something that you think the other person ‘should’ have, e.g., something brighter or more subdued than they would normally choose, in other words something ‘you’ would choose. And what about those bargain hunters amongst us? Hands up if you have ever been in the shop faced with a half priced item and tried to justify in your mind who you could buy it for.

The best gift buyers

Of course the best gift buyers are really good at putting themselves in the other person shoes and really imagining what ‘they’ would like. You could start by thinking about the buying habits of the person you are buying for (particularly if they are getting it wrong for you) as this can be a clue to what they would like to receive. It can be a hard one to trust as it might go against your own beliefs, values and judgements. I talk from experience. For years a family member bought everyone socks for Christmas. For many people this would be the archetypal ‘bad’ present. One that has had little thought, boring and impersonal. Other family members were getting irritated by it. I tried out the theory above and bought him socks for his Christmas present and he was absolutely delighted saying, in a slightly exasperated tone, “I always need socks and nobody ever buys them for me!” He said “I know some people think it is boring to buy socks but it is something that everyone needs!” I have bought him socks ever since and they are always met with gratitude. Do you have a similar friend or relative that buys book tokens or handkerchiefs you might try this with? The presents they are buying you will probably make sense to them.

If you ask people who are good at buying presents how they do it, and use NLP techniques to dig deep, you will find that there is a whole system of values and beliefs at play and a particular strategy that they employ. Often the buyer themselves are unaware of the mechanisms at play and take what they do for granted not really understanding why everyone can’t do it. This eliciting of strategies, values and beliefs to find out how people do things well (not just present buying) is one of the central parts of NLP. A good present buyer typically puts a great deal of importance on getting it right and usually has a belief that they are good at it. Their antennae are out all year round noticing things that the person says that they would like or need. They also have some method of remembering or recording that information as it comes up. It is stored away for when they need it so they are rarely working from cold. They will notice details about their home, what they wear, what they are interested in. With all this stored information they are able to put themselves more easily in their position to make a judgement about what they would like. They tend to plan and leave themselves plenty of time to source the perfect gift, often buying it well in advance of the actual day.

So far however we have only talked about the kind of presents that you go into a shop and buy. For many, the giving and receiving of bought gifts, is the ultimate expression of friendship or love. You spend time choosing a gift and part with your hard earned cash to pay for it. But for some people, these tokens, are well down the list in terms of what they really value. There is much emphasis on the ‘purchased’ gift over this time, powered in part by advertising, but what about the kind of gifts that involve sharing quality time or involve some sort of generous act? For many people these sorts of gifts are worth much more to them and will always be remembered.

One example might be to think more about the words you use. For some people the words that go with the present are as important as the thing. If you know someone who writes loving or kind words in the accompanying card, chances are that is something that they like to get back.

Alternative ideas

Alternative gift ideas along this theme might be:

  • Tickets to a game, a show, the theatre or some other event that you know they would like
  • A nice meal at a restaurant, cooked at your house or taken round to their place

Or hand made tokens promising services like:

  • Planting up some garden tubs for the spring
  • Helping them with their computer
  • Driving them somewhere special
  • A job that you know that they have been putting off and would love a little help with

Or using skills that you have to do something personal for them like:

  • Writing them a poem
  • Painting them a picture
  • Making something for them
  • Putting together a collection of photographs or a DVD
  • Compiling a music CD of tracks you know they like or are of an era that is significant to them

Remember the above are not excuses to be self indulgent and spend time doing your favourite hobby, to work it needs to be done very much with the other person in mind.

Simple acts have different meanings

There are so many options. You might not have the time for some of these ideas for this Christmas, but there are always Birthdays, Valentine’s Day, Anniversaries and of course next Christmas…

This sort of thinking stems from a small section of Field & Field’s NLP Practitioner course that looks at how we all have different ways of communicating love and how often things can be missed or misunderstood because people see things differently and deduce their own meaning. A simple act of giving can have different meaning for different people and is not always received as you intended. Take for example the chap who comes home from work with a bunch of flowers from his wife. He knows his wife likes flowers but is usually too busy or preoccupied to pick some up for her. Tonight he thought he would get some just to say ‘I love you’. Last time he brought flowers home however, it was to say sorry for pranging the car, so when he walked in with his bouquet his wife’s response was “What have you done this time!” Not the response he had hoped for.

This article also touches on the NLP concept of ‘modelling’ where you take something that someone is doing well and elicit what it is they do that makes them so good. In this example we have looked at people who are good at present buying but of course this model can be applied to an infinite number of uses. NLP modelling techniques can be used to understand the factors at play that makes someone stand out as excellent, from the best salesman on the team, to public speaking or simply someone who goes through life oozing confidence.

The fact is NLP training will touch and affect every aspect of your life: from being the best manager to having the sort of personal life that you really want whilst keeping the balance between the two.

To talk to us call 01865 600 725 or use our contact form.

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Old patterns

Many of us have old ‘traditions’ that we hang on to during the holiday season. Decorations must be up by a certain time, presents must given and received in a certain way, brussel sprouts must be served and so on and so on. The reality is that everyone has different ways of doing things and there is no right way. Some of these rules and ‘traditions’ are lovely of course and create a connection through the generations of a family. However some may simply just get in the way of enjoying yourself.

So perhaps this year it might be worth making a note of some of ‘the rules’ and asking where they actually come from and whether anyone actually values them. For every tradition, some one at some time has thought it would be a good idea for some reason – some ‘Positive Intention’ that made sense at the time. Do those reasons and intentions still exist? Even if they do are they valued by the people around you? Perhaps it’s time to do things differently? Perhaps it’s time to create some new traditions that really celebrate what Christmas means to you…

Seasonal NLP Practice

For those who have already taken courses with us you’ll Christmas is a great time to practice what you’ve learnt.

For example you’ll know how to:

  • Make and break rapport with even the most belligerent relatives
  • Turn small talk into a fascinating conversation
  • Reframe even the most bizarre behaviour to something interesting and amusing
  • Understand and appreciate personal differences that would drive others nuts
  • How to take the space you need and create the Christmas that you want without offending anyone
  • Simply be more at ease with yourself and have more fun…

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Sometime over the next few weeks you might sit down and just reflect for a moment on the past year. Here’s a simple and very constructive way of doing that:

  1. Take one piece of paper and draw a line down the middle to create two columns.
  2. With your favourite pen write ‘Good Stuff’ at the top of one column and ‘Bad Stuff’ at the top of the other.
  3. Now spend 20-30 minutes making a list of the ‘good stuff’ and bad stuff’ that’s happened to you over the last year.
  4. After you feel that you’ve got a pretty comprehensive list then it’s very important to follow the next 2 steps very carefully
  5. Take the list and tear it up. Ideally then hurl it on to the roaring log fire in your living room.
  6. Now take some time to just remember that the previous year is done. Finished. And now it’s time to look ahead at the next year and create the year you want.

You see the reality is that the more we spend dwelling on the past year the less time and energy we put in to actually creating the future that we want. So we invite you to let it go – whatever it is you might be holding on to and put all your energy in to creating the future that you really want.

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This is one of those books that we love.

A clearly highly accomplished academic climbs out of the ivory tower and puts some very important thinking into a context we can all understand in a very friendly and relevant way. And what could more important than happiness? Nothing much really – which is why we’ve been recommending this book for a long time…

It’s not necessarily everyone’s cup of tea of course but if you do want a book that takes a thorough, sometimes humorous, but always well-argued look at the concept of human happiness, then this is the best we’ve come across.

Jonathan Haidt takes us on a journey to happiness through a survey of ‘Ancient Wisdom’ and shows how this relates to modern understanding of human behaviour. His conclusions about the importance of happiness and where it really comes from are sometimes surprising but certainly make you think. For example, he suggests Buddhism is pretty cool but it is a bit of an over-reaction. And lovers often behave like children but that is perfectly normal and a good thing. Oh and gossip is essential to human culture – you heard it here first…

For more reviews and latest prices click on the image above.

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I used to be a Physicist – I’m sorry about that. I’m apologising for all the conversations that stopped in the past…

Actually I used to be an Applied Physicist and what I actually did was more like ‘Engineering’ and there are some important differences. My take on it is that ‘pure’ scientists seek to answer the big questions about the environment that surrounds us and the laws of nature that drive it – which very often lead to even bigger questions. The Applied Physicist or Engineer seeks to solve problems, often from first principles of how things work but the ultimate goal is to solve a specific problem.

Having worked in very pragmatic industries in the past I’m very familiar with the ‘Engineering’ approach. You have a problem, you work out what the variables and constraints are and you try out solutions until the initial problem appears to be solved. What you have actually done is perhaps unknown but you now have a new formula that works and you stick with it. I have worked with some extremely bright people who had pretty good intuitions about how they solve problems and what was actually going on. However they don’t know for certain and that wasn’t important. They’ll let some graduate student or professor work it out in a few years time – right now they had another problem to tackle and that was the priority.

In fact it can be said that Engineering leads the sciences. Stuff is invented and experimented with to solve a specific problem. The actually understanding of the pure science behind a solution may lag years behind the scientific validation. Did Edison understand exactly what he had found when after thousands of experiments he stumbled across a practical filament for a light bulb? He had some pretty good ideas but at the moment of discovery he was probably more relieved that he had found something that was ‘good enough’.

Why do I mention this? Because the world of NLP is really ‘Engineering of the Mind’. NLP is a very pragmatic approach and works with ‘what works’ rather than obsesses about the actual science of the mind. As the science of the mind evolves such discoveries as ‘Mirror Neurons’ and the complexities of how different parts of the brain function really just validate much of what NLP and similar approaches have been doing for years. It’s exciting to know, for me anyway, that as NLP evolves it can be the Engineering that leads the Science of the Mind.

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I’ve been sending out a few emails over the last few days to remind people of our NLP Diploma program coming up shortly. As ever the more real and personable I made the emails the better response I got and actually they were more of a pleasure to write. These moments are always a reminder to me that people seek real human connection in whatever the do.

Unfortunately work conspires to have us ‘acting’ in roles where we feel we have to be someone we are not. What a shame. But it often feels safer that way. We can hide behind the role and blame our circumstances for our behaviour. However the reality is the more human and vunerable we are the more we are ‘seen’ by others and the easier it is to connect at a level we can all value. If there is anything we try and achieve in all our NLP training work at Field & Field that would be a primary aim. Real human connection.

What real human connections did you make today and how could you have made them even more real?

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Most training doesn’t work.

I don’t have figures for this but it’s my belief that the vast majority of training simply doesn’t deliver actual behavioral change. Why is that?

Well I think its because training naturally focuses on skills development to fill a perceived behavioural gap. That sounds pretty sensible. But the reality is that much training fails to add value because it doesn’t operate at the level of Beliefs and Values, i.e., what the person believes about themselves and what value they place on the skills and behaviours being taught.

Take for example Presentation skills training. You may learn many tricks and much ‘best practice’. However if you still don’t believe that you have as much right as anyone to be a good presenter or value presenting as a skill that takes practice and is worth rehearsing and learning then you are left with a bag of tools that you are still unable to use confidently. In fact you may end up in a worse position – knowing you know what to do but still lacking the self-belief to do it. Ouch!

What’s the answer? Choose experiential training that works at the level of values and beliefs as well as building skills that are a natural extension of what people already do. Good training should be about real practice and building belief in your own ability. Don’t settle for anything less otherwise you may end up being knowledgeable about required skills but still unable to ‘do’ the behaviours that you want.

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This goes back a bit to an article about management theory and the Cambridge and Oxford boat race that I first saw in The Economist in Mar 2007.

In summary Mark de Rond, a Cambridge management academic at the Judge Business School, noted that for rowers to make it on to a boat the first have to prove their individual strength against their clubmates. But for a boat to win rowers must synchronise their efforts with people they were competing against.

Rowers will sometimes get in to a ‘rhythm fight’ where each is trying to impose their rhythm on the boat – perhaps sometimes unconsciously. There are various fixes to this from an observant coach telling individuals to slow down or speed up to self-coaching where individuals awareness is raised and they self-correct.

Rowing coaches have noticed that to achieve the best 8 from say a selection of 30 or so can cause some interesting choices and instructions. For example stronger rowers may be asked to row more ‘anonymously’ and likeable and flamboyant weaker rowers can help to speed up the whole team.

The article also quotes a Harvard Business Review piece that reports that workmates prize amiability over ability preferring the ‘loveable fool’ to the ‘competent jerk’.

Interesting stuff and a real example of the importance of Emotional Intelligence combined with competency for truly high performance. Doesn’t matter how good you are if you don’t ‘fit in’ and it’s at the expense of others…

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There’s a disease in training. It’s widespread and can have some pretty unpleasant symptoms. It can wear trainers out, exhaust delegates and block real learning…

It’s the belief that the trainer is the ‘Expert’. That they know more than the delegates and are there to download their expertise to the ‘less able’.

There is something fundamentally wrong with this. If knowledge is what you’re after then read a book. You can achieve a great deal more ‘knowledge acquisition’ in a shorter period of time than the laborious process of listening to someone else.

So what is the role of an effective trainer? To create a space where learning can happen would be my answer. Where experience can be tested and reflected on in a safe space designed for the experiential learning taking place.

When you go to a training do you:

  • Expect to learn from the trainer?
  • Blame the trainer if you don’t learn anything?
  • Look for a good set of notes so you can file them neatly when you get back to work and only refer to them when people asked you what you did on the course?
  • Only change your way of doing things if others do first?

Or:

  • Do you decide what you want to learn before you go?
  • Own your own learning and ‘how’ you will learn during the course?
  • Help others to learn by engaging in the process and let learning emerge?
  • Help the trainer and other learners create a safe space for exploration and reflection?

So why does this disease exist? Because that’s how we were taught at school and university. We learnt what we were told and regurgitated when requested.

But think back. When did you really learn? Perhaps when you were pushed to do something different and stretch yourself or because you were inspired to change by the example of others through real experience?

Stay curious…

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