Field & Field (previously Field Learning)

Would you like to get more from life and feel the buzz of creating something new? What that might be could be anything but it’s a uniquely common human trait to desire to create something in the world. It’s an instinct that we are born with and if we find it blocked it means we can’t be fully ourselves.

There are many things that can get in the way of us being as creative as we would like to be. It might be the book idea that never gets written, the desire to draw or paint or perhaps even to use your creativity to start a new business. As a creativity coach I find there are a number of blocks that keep coming up with my clients. People can often feel that it is just them that have this problem when in fact there are several very common issues that people face that come up time and time again.

Not enough time!

“It’s just time” is one of the most common things that I hear. It is part of the on-going problem of not enough hours in the day. After a little coaching it soon becomes apparent that they do have time – in fact plenty of it. It is more a question of how they prioritise and use the time they have.

The first step is to ask yourself do you genuinely want to find time to be creative? If the answer to this is yes, look carefully at how you currently use your time. Are all the tasks you do necessary? We can very easily get into the habit of doing things and not stop to ask why. How many things do we do because we feel we ‘should’? What would happen if we choose not to do it sometimes? Think about the day to day tasks that you do. Are there more efficient ways to do them? Could someone else do them? Another area that people start to look at is what it is they do when they are not working. Are you making the most of your leisure time? If you have got into the habit of flopping in front of the TV how might you use that time that would be more satisfying to you. The time you spend reading could be spent writing. Have you got into routines that no longer really work for you?

By asking these kinds of questions you will realise that you can find the time. Time is not a valid excuse; if other people can do it so can you. So is there something else stopping you or getting in your way?

Below are ten more common blocks that stop people from enjoying having the pleasure of creative outlet in their lives. You may find that just one or two apply to you or it may be all of them to a greater or lesser extent:

• Simply getting started
• Lacking confidence
• Self-limiting beliefs
• Procrastination
• Being too much of a perfectionist
• Not knowing where to start
• Unable to choose which project to work on
• You start lots of things but never seem to finish anything
• Feeling on your own
• Negative voices in your head

But what to do about these blocks once you have identified them? Don’t worry help is at hand. Based on over 30 years of coaching both adults and children in creativity I will be sharing tips and advice on how to deal with these obstacles in future posts.

If you would like to know more about ‘Creativity Coaching’ click here. This can really save you time and get you going in the direction that is right for you.

To find out more about our courses telephone 07590 367440, use the book a call button on our homepage, or use our contact form.

You’ll find more free information down the right-hand side of this page and you can also follow us on FaceBook.

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All our work is based on helping people to learn so that they can make better choices for themselves and create the life that they want. We have numerous techniques, tools and concepts available to us from the practice of NLP and our own life experience.

Over the years we’ve noticed a common pattern that is essential for sustainable change. It’s 4 steps and if any one step is missing or diluted in some way then a real and sustainable change is unlikely to happen. Perhaps you’ve tried to make change happen in your life and have been frustrated to make early progress then find yourself back where you started. Perhaps you are in the business of helping people change and are wondering why, sometimes, whatever you do just doesn’t seem to work. We hope this short post will be helpful and either accelerate change in your life or help others around you to learn.

Step 1: Accepting Reality

This is the hardest step for most people. When they feel stuck and stressed by what is going on it can be quite a challenge to literally step back and see the big picture. However this is essential because if you are working with surface systems rather than underlying causes then any change simply will not be sustainable because you haven’t resolved the underlying source of the problem.

This needs space and an environment where a person can be completely honest, really see what’s going on for themselves and find a way to face the reality of the situation. If challenged too much, or if asked to change too fast, then resistance will result. In this case you might find two other post of interest; The 4 D’s of Defence and Breaking Habits and Keeping the Benefits.

Step 2: Noticing the Triggers and Systems in place

So the reality of the situation has been established. Underlying causes are clear and understood. There is a deep desire to change and learn. There are still a couple of hurdles to face.

The existing system, including the triggers for the undesirable behaviour are still there. The next step is to notice what the system is and what triggers start the undesirable behaviour. And that’s all. Just set the intention to notice. This in many case will have the side effect of changing the behaviour but the most important thing to do is just notice.

Take the example of someone who drinks too much for their own liking. They’ve faced reality and come to the conclusion that carrying on as they are isn’t healthy and isn’t what they want. So now it’s time to notice when they drink too much and how. What is in the system that triggers the behaviour they don’t want? Is it stress, habit, joining in with others, not wanting to feel left out, loneliness and or one or many other factors.

This is part of accepting the reality of course. However where as step 1 is all about facing your reality. Step 2 is about recognising and understanding the reality of the wider system.

Step 3: The Practice of Change

If step 1 and 2 have been successfully completed then now is the time to make changes. Keep in mind though that you may need to cycle back through step 1 and 2 as more information comes to hand or the system changes – or perhaps simply because step 1 and 2 haven’t been covered thoroughly enough.

As much as we would like change to be quick and easy (and sometimes indeed it can be) sustainable change often needs sustained practice until a new way of being becomes a habit and the ‘new normal’. Tools and techniques in NLP genuinely do offer a quick way to make change happen. However the mistake many people make is to assume that because they feel different ‘now’ then next week they will feel the same. Life and the systems around us have a tendency to resist change and push us back to where we were – often ending up feeling worse in the process. That is why we recommend that you need to find ways to keep the change on track until the change simply becomes part of the new you. And by this time the system will have adapted and changed in response. This too is one of the reasons why we favour a modular approach to NLP training. Each module reinforces the desired change and helps supports individuals in understanding the reality in which they exist. The alternative is a quick high which fades fast and leads to disappointment.

So step 3 is to see change as a practice rather than an overnight thing that just happens. Even if a change feels instant then practice needs to be built in to consolidate the change and keep it in place.

Let’s take losing weight as a classic example of what we mean. Motivation for losing weight usually comes from feeling bad about being overweight. This motivation is the driver for buying those diet books, setting goals and getting started. Initially you might feel well on track as those first few pounds fall off. You start to physically feel better and you start to see the results. However as you lose weight the initial motivation for getting started also lessens. The reason you started the new health campaign disappears and what happens? Well what usually happens in over 90% of cases is that you return to old eating patterns but because your metabolism has taken a hit from dieting you end up weighing more and feeling worse. Great for the diet book industry (which is massive) but not good for getting where you need to go.

Let’s look at how losing weight can work using the first 3 steps of this process:

Step 1: Face the reality of unhealthy eating and what it will do for your system. Face the reality that unless you have a completely different life-long relationship with food you will not be able to live the life you want. Also face the reality that it’s not just about food but the relationship with your self, exercise and other people that needs to be looked at and changed permanently.

Step 2: Notice all the things around you that encourage and sustain your current eating patterns. Notice particular stress points, the certain types of food you’re drawn to, the relationship systems you exist in that keep you as you are and all the other triggers and patterns that exist that need to be modified, re-framed and communicated to others.

Step 3: Now one by one, at a pace that is workable, start to change the patterns that exist in your life and adopt new practices that sustain the change you want. Look at slip-ups and set backs as lessons to be learnt to improve your new practice for the new life you are creating. Permanently change your relationship with food and your own health one step at a time until you are eating more healthily, exercising more and this has become the new normal.

Compare this to:

Feel bad because you look and feel overweight. Feel bad enough about it to get a diet book and start to follow the advice religiously. Notice early progress and feel better because at last you are getting on top of your weight – even though there is a long way to go. Struggle through denying yourself the food that you like and persist a little longer. Relax a bit because you don’t feel so bad any more and let some of those favourites back in to your diet. Relax a bit more and creep back to old eating habits – feeling at least a little bit pleased with yourself because you’ve lost some weight. The weight creeps back on and you end up weighing a little bit more than when you started. Feel bad because you look and feel overweight…

Step 4: Celebrate the learning

Time to celebrate or at least reflect on the changes you’ve made. We spend too much time beating ourselves up about things that we should have done or done better. This is energy wasted on the past, a past that can not be changed. The energy of regret, remorse and guilt is useful and often essential for motivating change in the first place. However if carried forward it steals energy from keeping the changes you have made and focusing on the future.

Change is never ending and as we transition through life we will meet many challenges. It’s better to look forward, taking your learning from the past, and prepare yourself for those challenges. So when your sure that change you’ve made is truly part of the new you then find some way to celebrate the learning and close that chapter so you can begin the next part of your journey unburdened.

Finally a very short story which we use regularly in our training:

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

by Portia Nelson

Chapter One

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place but, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there. I still fall in … it’s a habit.
My eyes are open I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter Four

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five

I walk down another street.

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What do you do when you have done something wrong, made a mistake, or been caught out or just don’t want to take responsibility for your actions? We ask this because how you deal with these situations can be a real block to moving forward. We love our work which helps people to learn about themselves and make the changes in their life that they want. However we sometimes notice some specific behaviour that occurs when mistakes are made which prevents learning and growth. This behaviour can get in the way of making the changes we want and cause a great deal of frustration in yourself and others. We call these the 4 D’s of Defence. They are something worth knowing about. Next time you take a step back, and really consider what’s going on, you can make sense of how you are blocking your own growth. The 4 D’s are all interrelated and we’ve all done some of them at some time. Making a change requires a level of honesty about where you are now so have a read through the 4 D’s and see if any of them can apply to you or to someone you know…

1. DENIAL is the most basic form of deception (see below) and often the starting point when in defence mode. It can be a habit to simply deny a mistake when challenged until you know how much the other person knows. It’s different from the Deception we describe below because it’s a straightforward avoidance strategy of “I didn’t do it”. Perhaps a straight denial just feels like the best option?

The problem is that, even if we get away with it, we haven’t learnt anything and we’re likely to make the same mistake again. In fact all we may have learnt is that a quick denial is the best way to get out of trouble. Are you being true to yourself and really facing the circumstances as they truly are? If you have to maintain the lie then will that help or hinder you truly learning and moving on? You might be lost in a fog of denial and choose to focus on other things rather than face the real issue.

When a person senses that a denial isn’t working or convincing anyone then it’s usually time for the next D.

2. DECEPTION – This can involve deceiving someone else, deceiving yourself or both. Are you aware of what you’ve done but, so don’t want to admit it, that deception feels like the better option? Are you so concentrated on coming up with a plausible alibi (for yourself and others) that it’s stopping you facing reality and learning from the mistake? We all deceive ourselves from time to time because, at the time, it can feel like a more comfortable option. We say to ourselves things like “that’s just not the kind of thing I would do” or “what I really meant was X but you’ve clearly missed the point”. But for growth and change to take place we need to be as honest as we can with ourselves.

People use all sorts of ways of side stepping the real issue. They concentrate on one thing that they can excuse as a one-off and refuse to see their patterns of behaviour which are causing problems. They might blame other people rather than take responsibility for the situation or they might simply bury their head in the sand hoping it will all go away or magically transform itself. Some people when cornered try to mislead by being selective about the definition of words, for example Bill Clintons’ rather distorted meaning of ‘sexual relations’ with Monika Lewinsky.

The saying ‘silence speaks louder than words’ can be very true and it often speaks of deception – you don’t want to speak the truth so you say nothing. Perhaps the truth would give rise to an uncomfortable conversation that you are not sure how to deal with. However until the truth is told then you cannot move on and no one else can.

I’m sure we’ve all had examples where we’ve gritted our teeth, been a bit more humble than usual and simply admitted that we did something that was dumb and thoughtless. Invariably this leads to much better results and straightforward honesty can often feel liberating. However in that moment of trying to construct a water-tight deception to avoid what we don’t want to face we forget how much we appreciate honesty ourselves and how a little short-term humbleness is much less painful than long-term hurt.

So you still might be in defence mode. Let’s look at the next D.

3. DIGGING – Are you digging yourself in to a hole that eventually you are going to have to climb out of? Are you focusing so much time and energy on the spade in your hand rather than seeing what you are really doing? Of course the quicker you realise you are digging and come clean and admit it, the less hard it is to get to a place where you can genuinely sort things out and improve your life.

This maybe the point that we get so wrapped up in the story we’ve told that we start to really believe it and simply can’t see the hole that we have dug. However if the reality is that people are still mad at you, the frustration hasn’t gone away and no one seems to be buying your story then it may be the time to take a good step back, take a deep breath and wonder honestly if you’ve dug yourself a nice fresh hole.

On to the last D which is more of a long-term problem rather than a short-term reaction to current events.

4. DELUSION – This is about lying to yourself and really wanting the lie to be true even though the evidence doesn’t support your version of events. Steve Coogan as Alan Partridge does a wonderful spoof on this one and it’s the source of much comedy. We have seen it in the TV program ‘The Apprentice’, laughed at it in “The Office” and watched in horror and sadness with ‘Jamie’s Dream School’*. The delusion that some dictators around the world are displaying also seems particularly visible at this time. In real life we have agonised over friends who are being treated really badly by their partners but have convinced themselves that they love them.

But would you recognise it in yourself? Perhaps you’ve told yourself such a convincing story that you’re actually beginning to believe it? You might start looking for evidence to fit your fantasy and ignore the information that doesn’t fit what you are telling yourself. You’ve maybe even tweaked a few of the facts to make sure the story fits? Are you able to stand back and see the situation objectively? Are you really able to listen to what others are saying to you from their viewpoint? Are you able to truly see yourself and how to grow and improve?

Some final words:

So next time you’re feeling stuck, frustrated or perhaps under attack from some one close to you, take a step back, take a deep breath and ask yourself, “Am I doing one of the 4 D’s?”

The first step is noticing what is happening. That’s a big step for a lot of people. For the next step you might find our next blog ‘How People Really Change’ helpful.

*If you haven’t had a chance to see Jamie’s Dream School and your interested in this subject then we  recommend catching up with the series on YouTube. You’ll see many examples of the 4 D’s at play from pupils, parents and teachers. For more about Jamie’s Dream School see https://www.youtube.com/user/DreamSchool

To talk to us call 01865 600 725 or use our contact form.

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A fascinating video on the discovery of Mirror Neurons and the evolution of consciousness. From Jeremy Rifkin and with a little help from RSA Animate.

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Our favourite (and funny) educationalist Sir Ken Robinson with assistance from RSAnimate on why our education system must change.

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A fascinating video from RSA Animate and Stephen Pinker (one of our favourite writers on the mind and language) about how language reveals or even deliberately hides what we are really thinking.

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In the film ‘The Breakup’ the two characters played by Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn have a blazing row that seals the end of their relationship after a dinner party that doesn’t go quite as planned. If you’ve seen the film you might remember the exchange:

“I want you to want to the do the dishes!”
“Why would I want to do the dishes?”

(You can remind yourself of the film on YouTube here)

Now this may be the stereotypical example of the man in this exchange not getting the plot but the reality is that we both men and women spend a lot of their lives not getting the plot in their relationships. It’s because we so rarely actually say what we mean – even though we think we have been crystal clear in our communications.

How many times have you been caught by this trap when you here the request: “You don’t need to buy me much, just put a little thought in to it”. After all it’s the thought that counts isn’t it? How much clearer could that be? Much, much clearer. Because the word ‘thought’ could mean many things; for example:

Notice what project I’m working on and buy something to help it along
Notice the little luxuries I never buy myself but love to have
Think about the holiday coming up and what you might buy to make it even more enjoyable
Notice that words are important to me so when you buy me a card say something I want to hear
Notice how hard I have been working and arrange a spa break/golf break for me whilst you take care of everything
Arrange for the kids to have a sleepover so we can have the evening to ourselves
Notice that you haven’t been giving much time to your relationship recently and arrange a surprise weekend away
Notice that I don’t like clutter so buy me something that’s small and I can put away easily

How many times has the wrong ‘thought’ got us in to trouble? How many times has the wrong thinking ended up in disappointment and frustration despite your best ‘thinking’? Now of course you could be better a noticing what might work (see previous post on ‘Buying the perfect Christmas Present‘) but we can all be clearer in what we mean.

When two people disagree, the situation is not always as fundamental as it might at first seem. A major factor in misunderstandings (often interpreted as a lack of thinking) is not a clash of values, but how the different parties interpret those values.

For example, in personal relationships, we might both agree that love is important, but disagree utterly in how we know that the other person is showing love. What is our evidence that the other person loves? What behaviour demonstrates their love for us?

For me, it may be the fact that you bring me flowers
For you it may be the fact that you work hard all week to support the family
For me it may be that you spend time with me
For you it may be that we embrace each other at least once a day or that I smile at you

What we are saying is Love, as a value, is equivalent to certain behaviours. Here’s a brief exercise you can do by yourself to help you get clear about your values and expectations around relationships:

1.   Select 3-6 behaviours that mean Love to you in a relationship and write these down

2.   Where do these expectations come from? Where did you learn these an how do you feel if you get something different?

3.   How do the behaviours you want to see differ from the behaviours you exhibit?

4.   Now step in to the shoes of that special someone you might be thinking of around Valentines day or any other special occasion coming up.

5. From their perspective what are their expectations and how do they express their love through their behaviour.

6. Is there anything you would want to change based on what you’ve discovered?

The truth is that we do get what we ask for but if we aren’t clear in our expectations then we don’t get clear outcomes. How you could be clearer with your nearest and dearest so you can receive and give the love that works for you.

To find out more you might like to try (and share) our ‘How do you want to be loved?’ quiz. This is a short (but very insightful) quiz for checking out how you show love and how you love to be loved. It’s something to share with your loved ones and a way to start conversations that build relationships that really work for you. You can find that here.

To talk to us call 01865 600 725 or use our contact form.

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Sometimes we have behaviours and habits that don’t make much sense to us. We find ourselves repeatedly taking that extra glass of wine too much, getting angry with the driver in front of us, eating that unhealthy food, putting off that decision until it’s made for us, being impatient just at the wrong time, slipping out of that work-life balance we keep trying to create for ourselves and so on.

No matter how mad it may sound the reality is that “Every behaviour has a positive intention”.

This is one of the key presuppositions of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). A presupposition being a ‘belief we hold to be true’ – something we pre-suppose to be true before we engage in something. We often have habits and behaviours that we don’t want to continue but for some reason they stay with us no matter how hard we seem to beat up ourselves up about it. Imagine now for a moment that this behaviour has some positive intention at its core – something it’s trying to achieve or create for us that might be outside of our conscious awareness.

A classic example of this is procrastination. Many people suffer from an inability to take decisive action brought about by procrastination. Then of course they spent a prolonged time beating themselves up when a decision is taken for them – which in turn gets in the way of the next decision. What on earth (say many decisive people particularly) can be the positive intention of procrastination? And many procrastinators ask themselves the same question – although it takes them longer to come up with any answer of course. In reality procrastination has many wonderful, rewarding and positive intentions. For example here are some listed by the past procrastinators on our courses:

• I don’t make the wrong decision
• It delays things while more options might present themselves
• Avoids blame
• Keeps me from losing other options
• Avoids having to take responsibility
• Gives me more time for day dreaming
• Avoids the fear of getting it wrong
• Removes the need for taking responsibility for success
• And so on and so on…

And of course there can be many more and individual experiences and intentions will vary greatly.

We have helped 100’s of people change behaviours and break habits of a lifetime. Below is a simple process we use to help change an unwanted behaviour while still honouring the original positive intentions. The process is elegantly simple but admittedly easier with the help of a skilled coach who can be there to help stop the ‘beating myself up’ process:

1 – Identify the unwanted behaviour. Let’s call it behaviour ‘X’.

2 – Taking on the presupposition that every behaviour has a positive intention ask yourself what the positive intention of this behaviour could be. Write down as many as you can think of. Six or more is a good number. Have fun doing it and above all be honest with yourself. What does that behaviour really get you? Perhaps it’s attention, perhaps it makes you special in some way? Maybe it’s an old pattern you’re simply rather attached to? Perhaps it’s an old behaviour that you learnt as a child but is no longer needed? Don’t forget the silly ideas which you know in yourself are true but nonetheless ridiculous.

3 – Accept that this behaviour really does get you something. Think about it for a moment. With all these positive intentions of course you are going to find it difficult to change. Just take a moment to stop and accept the truth of this.

Time to explore how you could do things differently…

4 – Now take each positive intention in turn and ask yourself how you could achieve the same positive intention without behaviour ‘X’. This isn’t a commitment and you don’t have to do anything. Just list how you might achieve the same positive intention. Do this for each positive intention and enjoy coming up with sensible and crazy ideas. It’s brainstorming time – not judgement time.

5 – By now you should have a much clearer view of what behaviour ‘X’ is really all about and also a whole bunch of options for different ways of behaving. That stuck and frustrated feeling you might have started with may now have lessened or disappeared. You may even decide that behaviour ‘X’ is ok – perhaps with a little modification – and it’s time to take that ‘beating myself up energy’ and use it for something more useful.

6 – Commit to doing things differently. Decide how you will modify your behaviour and decide how you will remind yourself to do so, i.e., what impactful and unavoidable reminder will you put in place to keep you on track.

This is one of the most fun and liberating exercises we do to help people on our courses let go of the past and create a different future for themselves. Elegant in its simplicity, a lot of fun and very impactful for permanent change. It is also a very effective illustration of how we are a complex system of motivations, beliefs, values and behaviours. If we ignore this complexity in the search for a simple solution with lots of should’s, must do’s and rules that aren’t ours we can create a great deal of frustration in our lives. The good news is that we do all make sense and it can be simpler to change a life-long behaviour than at first it appears.

To talk to us call 01865 600 725 or use our contact form.

You’ll find more free information down the right-hand side of this page and you can also follow us on FaceBook.

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A key addition to the Well-Formed Outcome concept (see here for more about WFO’s) that we use at Field & Field is the idea that each Outcome or Goal is essentially two Goals:

1. The end destination

2. The path taken to reach it

You can use the NLP concept of Well-Formed Outcomes on both and the reality is that the most successful people really do have a well-defined path to get to their goal – not just a well defined and compelling destination but a journey they relish and look forward to. Not in the sense of detailed milestones and plans but a feel for the direction they are taking, how they’ll grow as they are on that journey and how the path is congruent with their sense of self. The journey really is more important than the goal. The journey is your life. Without compelling well-formed outcomes you won’t know what path to take. If the path isn’t in itself satisfying and congruent with who you are then you will experience frustration and may never reach your end goal. Alternatively you may reach your end goal and look back on your life with disappointment.

Once you have defined a Well-Formed Outcome (see here for more on WFO’s) ask the following to help clarify the path you will take to get it:

Q. What do you want the journey to be like? (State in the Positive)

Q. Can you personally start and maintain the journey?

Q. What will you be seeing, hearing and feeling on the journey?

Q. How will the journey impact on the rest of your life?

Q. Is the journey worth the cost and time it’s going to take?

Q. Is this journey in keeping with your identity?

Q. Is the journey representative of who you are and who you want to be?

Q. What do you want to preserve on the journey?

For more about the NLP concept of Well-Formed Outcomes see the previous post: New Years Resolutions – How to make sure that you keep them.

To talk to us call 01865 600 725 or use our contact form.

You’ll find more free information down the right-hand side of this page and you can also follow us on FaceBook.

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